Down and Out in Denver

We get it, fellow fags.  You were never picked for the flag football team or maybe you were selected last for dodge ball in grade school gym class.  You didn’t play rugby or basketball or baseball.  Maybe you secretly lusted after the boys in high school who did, convincing yourself that you really just wanted to be like them instead of just wanting them.  Or perhaps you carried on a clandestine affair with a high school jock who used you in the locker room, where no one could see, but then he shunned you in public.  The bottom line: you didn’t play sports and the popular boys did.  This, however, is not the answer:

It has come to our attention that we need to remind our fellow homosexuals that there doesn’t actually exist any Abercrombie and Fitch football team or, in fact, a team of any sort sponsored by this venerable clothing company.  There are no Hollister Surf Champs.  American Eagle doesn’t have any New York district league (AE wouldn’t allow me to export their shirt).  And while most of these shirts display sports-related themes, suffice it to say that there is no Free Drink Night at the A&F College Tavern because both the Tavern and the College are fictional.   Ditto for the barrel race.  Never happened.

Now the DaOiD boys have, in their day, been known to wear clothing that sports a brand name, and some of those logos are displayed more ostentatiously than others.  I admit it: it would be difficult to pry my G-Star jacket off me in this cold and I rock the Lacoste polo shirt far too often in the summer.  But those are just brand names; no more, no less.  In and of themselves they admit to being conspicuous advertisements for their makers.  We also recognize that many people like to wear t-shirts and sweatshirts and shorts from colleges and universities, some of which they probably didn’t attend(!).  But the fact remains that someone did attend them, because those colleges and universities are real places.  Even those sporty types who like to show their collegiate or hometown pride in a Michigan Big House football t-shirt or a Hawkeyes cap, probably did not actually play for those teams themselves.  We know this.  The fact remains that someone did – still does – because those teams actually exist.

We get it, gays.  High school is over (and thank god for that!). You go to the gym regularly now and you want to show off that chest and those arms.  But we guarantee that A&F and AE and HCO sell lots of other shirts in your size.  Promise.